so what is my reality?


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At present I’m almost fully recovered from the stroke that I suffered on September 26th when I collapse in living room of the house and started choking on my own vomit. I spent the good portion of a week at the stroke unit at North Shore Long Island Jewish in Manhasset and didn’t necessarily come as a great shock given that my blood pressure in itself was hovering around 180/110 so certainly a stroke that was stress induced.

This summer to my great shock and surprise I was made aware that despite continually working two jobs even through these past five operations, I’m not really taking any real time off from work and even getting out of bed in performing weddings with 42 staples in my stomach, I now have unsurmountable debt for which a present I am on the brink of bankruptcy, a ton of medical bills in collection status embarrassingly enough owing money to some of the greatest physicians in the world that to me saved my life.

I’m not an individual that uses credit cards as I was always taught if you don’t have cash you don’t buy, and I’m really not one that ever lived on labels and brand names as they never really excites me all that much. I spend a lot of my time (and maybe to a fault of not making enough time for me or from home), rather submerging myself into work I suppose thinking that I wanted and the only way I could get it was to work hard for a life better than what I had grown up with; living five people in a one bedroom apartment till the age of 13 and watching both my parents who were manual laborers count the days till they could retire; coming home with cuts on their hands and pains in their feet.

For those who work with me or you know me professionally know I could write a contract in my sleep. I cross every T and dot every i and I suppose having worked so many hours I failed to do the same back at home, assuming that home is where the heart is and not a place that one needs ever really needs to take a look or two. I certainly realize how to responsible for me not hey soul handle I’m finances that impact me.

While facing obstacles in my health I faced some of my own personal fears like buying and renovating the home when I couldn’t screw lightbulb in to save my life; and if ever the impossible of something being broken needing to be fixed where I couldn’t think the finder hire someone I know that there could always be my big cousin Craig who is always the superhero that can figure anything out to fix and save the day.

My life today feels like one of those lifetime movies that women and gay men love. Except what you don’t realize is actually living what you see on TV you can’t turn off, it does consume you and the frustrations you watch as the victim struggle for survival is very real. Unless you remain steadfast and persevere in your insistence which does require hours of research to end soliciting help from organizations that are empowered but will only act when reaching appropriate empathetic individual.

From the time that I realized I was gay I had what might’ve been on the shorter end of a “coming to jesus” where others face years and sometimes never come to accept what is. Myvattitude and realization quickly became that it didn’t matter to me what other people thought. I always took pride in my heritage regardless of varying levels of observance over the course of my life but with the deep-rooted understanding of where I come from, what thousands of years of tradition and history does mean more than just religious belief and faith but in a routed and rich culture and frankly it was nobody’s business what I did behind my bedroom door in my own privacy. I don’t hurt anyone I don’t cause catastrophic disasters and maybe I do make mistakes and or commit a sin from time to time but I am human and certainly m not going to be banished to hell at the end of my time in this world.

At present, despite being among some of the very first to be part of such a monumental change in the world around us, I am currently the named defendant in an action for divorce for what is termed “irretrievable breakdown” or what the state views as being simply a marriage that is broken beyond repair for no real specific reason except to be broken. I believe this is ok to say since it’s a matter of public record anyway.

Such action became known to me at the end of the summer as well. Boy what a way to close the summer season out with a bang.

As an analytical person who looks to dissect and understand every aspect and cause-and-effect which is just an approach to life that my uncle Bernie always insisted as being the way to approach each and every situation, I naturally needed it and still do to find and understand how I am in the current position I am. And so, this is where my painful journey and broken pieces begin to shatter.

One thought on “so what is my reality?

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  1. So many obstacles to endure but your faith will get you The old saying if God took you to it he will help you get through it certainly applies here. You survived for a reason, believe that.

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