Saying Nothing, Says Everything…

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So, in trying to recapture control of my life, work toward healing from the inside out and being able to deal with what my reality is I’ve begun for some weeks now seeing a therapist twice a week. I’ve even tried this past week a hypnotherapist. What is this all what the answer is to recapturing my life and dealing with the damage at least that is within me vs the app show repercussions of what was done?

Spending time with an objective person, the therapist i’m repeatedly encouraged to find some understanding with words given to me like sociopath and narcissist. While both are seemingly clinical and complex words, are they really to provide some meaning by way of listening the pain that I feel or hoping need to clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel? This past week I’ve covered a lot of ground, met a lot of new people, made even more discoveries into other components and aspects of what has caused my reality to be what it is. Today I spent hours and trying to tackle and successfully got a handle in terms of some real solid conclusions as a relates to doctors and health related debts. I must say that I have been quite impressed with how cooperative and helpful my insurance company and even the administrator of it have been.

I also this week started to think after receiving a copy of something to really reflect upon something my mother had always said to us as children. And that was she said I will never be angry at you or hate you for making a mistake or doing something wrong and working to fix it; but I will get angry and you will be punished if Catch you lying. The one thing my early 30s has taught me is all of those things that we used to say our parents knew nothing about, they actually kind of really did know what they were talking about.

And so that I applied in the context of my reality. I know this isn’t where I ever had dreamed or wanted it to be. S reality begun to set in for me some weeks ago, and I so did not want to come to the realization of what it was I know that I had been so willing to put aside details and facts and honestly had hoped and thought that my reality could just be undone without any lasting proof of existence. Sadly we all know that’s such could not be further from reality and pretty much I need to just accept and ride with it. And while I know what my focus needs to be and should be I can’t help but realize how plagued I am with half truths and lies repeatedly that are built on more half-truths and lies that are frankly surreal.
And when something is impossible then I know that it is an out right lie it seems mind-boggling and confusing to me as to why I need in my reality to exert so much energy after role as my mom always said for telling the truth she would not be angry or hit me even if it was wrong, but lying…

I have put up some Christmas lights from the attic there’s a way of trying to keep some normalcy in the holiday season. However it certainly far from normal. It certainly doesn’t feel like it either. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out a new future, a new lifewhich frankly is not so easy to figure out where to start. That includes figure out making new friends and meeting new people. And of course many ofThe tried-and-true whom have always been by my side have been as great as possible and trying to help me through each day being a source of support and on days never give up to spite me potentially feeling discouraged and not having The energy to be able to engage with anybody.. Even to special friends from the pasts i’ve heard from Who have been in sweet in their support and friendship. One of them to my grade and pleasant surprise on a daily basis spends at least an hour and a half to two hours on the phone with me trying to divert my focus and attention I’m ridiculous things but nonetheless I know it’s an attempted just try to help me get through the day. Where I stand now is wait week to week till some direction forward can be clear and I hope that this will take place this week as I think that’ll help me and trying to find a new me and start to define who that mean he will be.

At each aspect and examining my life, my choices, my reality and what has led to that reality words are just scarce and nothing is said but I think as my therapist tells me say nothing basically says everything. I think that is probably the hardest aspect of it all. As an analytical person something at least allows me to think and reflect whereas nothing leaves me out there only speculating and becoming consumed with trying to formulate my own understanding which as we all can admit we are own worst enemy week or hardly objectives in reflecting our life and this truly iswhat becomes all-consuming when saying nothing says everything.

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