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So tomorrow is another court date which is actually going to happen. It’s quite ironic when your future or at least my more imminent future rests in the hands of a judge. The matter how hard one fights or struggles and in my case a fight to live, at the end none of it really matters because a bunch of words and sentences In a book and a man that sits in a robe decides the future.
In my continued effort to try to find rhyme and reason, going over and over pages and mounds of information and documents, evidence which only reinforces that print on paper does not lie, and maybe it’s just time or stress that for the first time today, I actually was able to draw even more connections which continue to confirm everything, every allegation, every accusation i suspected in my mind which is even more crippling that it becomes true in reality. A very clear and definitive pinpoint a prime examples tonight I’m able to hone on specific months like January 2013 and March 2013.
What makes this even sadder, I realize, not only am I not crazy but the world is full of people who are crazy & without a conscience. While I laid struggling, while I spent weeks learning to walk again which was no great flight. (If it wasn’t for my cousin Patti in the generosity of my dear aunt Lorraine who insured I had an environment and was looked upon several times a day) I spend weeks struggling to regain my independence. But it’s clear that me not having independence for some was the ultimate goal & objective they had for me. Forget that I can’t even get my head wrapped around the reality, a reality that I’ve come to a lot quicker I guess because I as an individual do have a type A personality and need to be able to make sense of things even when they aren’t sensible.
I’m beginning to question how certain individuals can actually look themselves in the mirror or think that such forgiveness is an automatic entitlement through religious assignment and autonomy, when the fact remains that each of us still need to look ourselves in the mirror every day. We go through life and we make mistakes no one is perfect and there are times I can tell you this especially as an individual that has faced the potential of death several times, that when you do meet that time of reckoning it is about the ones you love the ones you’ve wronged and the pursuit of feeling peace.
I have always said the past several months over the time that I’ve needed to spend fighting to live, “that there is not one person on this earth that can could stand over my coffin and say a damn bad word about me”. A very near and dear friend an ” old X” just the other night agreed with that as well. while some may think that sounds suicidal or sounded wrong for me at any junk sure returning to that perspective it was me doing a balance sheet of my life of the good I’ve done of the mistakes I’ve made to find that inner peace. and it certainly in my life for the wrongs I have done I’m a person that does not have too much pride to ever say I’m sorry and in fact many times I have.
What became clear in connecting the dots even more tonight is that it’s time certainly stop feeling sorry for myself because there’s nothing wrong that I’ve done to be in the reality I am.
What is clear is that I have done no wrong to deserve or find myself where I do rather the world is full once again of some very sick and misguided people for whom have wronged me. And so I still contend as life is not worth the time to hate but rather I continue to feel sorry for such individuals who either within their control or not or are unhealthy and sick individuals who still need to live life and will live life needing to look themselves in the mirror every Single day.
And let it be remembered and let it be known, that to take advantage of someone, someone while they are down fighting to live, is beyond forgivable, is beyond humane, and certainly is never absolved regardless of what ever religious doctrine one regards and which ever Savior one believes in.
And so hopefully tomorrow brings me closer to starting a new chapter in the short term on the way toward finding direction and beginning the start of the rest of my life.
And while my faith must remain in hopes that justice will prevail and the law will punish and hold those accountable for their actions and for their wrongs of others, whether or not I’m ever made whole again or not frankly doesn’t matter because I remember again when my day of reckoning is to come I will indeed once again know and have a true and sincere inner peace.