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so I know it’s been some time since my less blog post and for no other reason but trying to find time to balance work for what I can and am able to do at this juncture, managing and trying to reduce the amount of time i am left emotionally paralyzed, where every part of my insides are just broken in pieces. But I suppose the only tell tale sign that I’m still me is that instinct and type ‘A’personality insistent that I am of understanding and can make sense of every detail of every component. and so in taking also a step back and look at what one does when in my shoes or my position and certainly an individual of my unique personality. And of course being as tenacious as I am, I obviously could find fault with every single one of the answers I came up with because it’s “not what Brian Denker would do or accept.”
So the intelligible voice inside of me reminded myself that I have to separate feelings from facts, what is reality versus what I wish was or was not true, and probably the most profound of them all came but a couple weeks ago when I said to a friend of mine who was visiting (in the moment it had only just hit me – thx BL) this is a time in my life that I need to learn to love me more and think about me more, rather than concerning myself (as I normally do) focusing on doing or helping someone or something else before myself. Because and if for any reason to support and justify this that I would need to ask myself (as most people would say you should always take care of yourself first), the fact that i believe my reality is the result of the same actual reason and purpose. Thinking of ones own self before concerning and focusing elsewhere. And so it’s time that I employ that same and jump on that band wagon and apply that same rationale that everybody uses in their day-to-day and that’s why I know that my focus now is not about feeling sorry for myself or having a pity party or even trying to find a logical reason for what I’ve not done that I should have rather my focus and my passion needs to be
Finding time to be bored and making IT my hobby
And I’ve done just that in a matter of one week, as you might have drawn from some posts, I’ve been busy writing sone of my infamous letters. Now for those of you that don’t know me as well if you ask someone who knows me relatively well, what is Denker’s infamous letters? You’ll probably get a very clear chuckle and be told, “if you have an issue or gripe with something or someone, you have Denker write a letter!” and so that’s just exactly what Denker has been doing while simultaneously dealing with a very annoying instance where a mysterious $400 was withdrawn from my private Citibank account on January 2 by something called a check by phone which in my life I’ve never even written one of those or ever knew you could do a check over the phone; and ironically in the 10 years I’ve had a Citibank checking account it happens to be the one and only check by phone ever issued from that account – red flag number one. So naturally in a panic i got in touch with Citibank and they launched an investigation for which again even more annoyingly not only do they validate that the transaction was fraud, they inform me that they have a name, an account and know exactly every step of the transaction of the call including how the transaction was made, where the call originated from but bylaw they cannot tell me or release any of that information to me the account holder who has had an attempted larceny transacted. But I get back my $400 and i’m asked to go file a police report about the incident so the bank can continue forward with their fraud dept. working with local authorities to bring charges for which I have learnt tonight will be brought by the district attorney and that detectives will be in touch within the next few days in order to bring me to meet with the DA and confirm my statements submitted regarding not having raised the transaction conducted the transaction or having any knowledge of the transaction etc. etc. yet still no one has told me a damn thing about who, what or where.
so with all of that going on I decided to take a step back at the situation and decided that my letter writing would help me if nothing else to get more insight and information into what occurred to make my present reality what it is and it uncovered more facts and details that lead to more letters and more pounding the pavement that lead to more facts and insights which has led to having engaged separately with discussions with the Department of State and Dept of financial services for the State of New York, and the Attorney General, for which I needed to write more letters and file complaints and then more complaints which led to inquiries and responses which have since lead to provisional credit particularly thankful to Discover card for the situation they are dealing with and helping me.
I also spent time writing infamous letters or grievances to a committee in asking that certain conduct of professionals I have come across in working through my realities that in my eyes have been unethical or disingenuous when in theory should not and in my perspective should be questioned and if warranted held accountable after all we are all people and the choices and things we do impact not only ourselves but everyone else around us and we are all living and breathing human beings. And although there are times we have jobs to do in the world, we do still have obligations and ethics / value to uphold and when we do not, the choices that we all make we should be answerable for; in my situation giving and making affirmations or providing confirmations that are known to be untrue but are conveyed inly for the purpose to cause more harm than good needs to be addressed. And so as I’m held accountable and answerable even in instance of time and place that id would not come to be, so shall we all. And there continues some of Denker’s infamous letter writing…
of even most inspiring though which I have to extend a huge thank you to is believe and not a financial institution. For which most people know the last thing I ever want to think about is anything having to do with a financial institution it gives me a headache and a migraine. But by far when it comes to the customer, Chase is by far nothing short of unbelievably helpful once you get above your entry level person that answers a phone so much so that I’ve been engage with people from the cheif executive officer and president office of the entire institution who in response have rallied individuals with oversight across their entire product portfolio given what concerns my reality and keeps me awake at night these days…. But given that I have been a standalone Chase customer and have been for close to 10 years, apparently there are special benefits and guarantees and protections the Chase insist they will always stand behind guaranteeing their customers zero liability for which I must say When they say they stand behind man THEY DO. And so tomorrow there is a second coming together of these executives to engage in another conference call and for which I can only say how grateful I am to these individuals who I am merely a name and a person on the telephone but to them I am not just a customer, I am a CHASE customer. And so I am unsure as to any guarantees that exist beyond tomorrow’s conference call or thereafter but to get an entire enterprise, one brand to come together, to hear one individual reinforces something that thanks to Denker’s infamous letters and it’s very approach comes validated and that is that the
Voice of the Customer is Everything
And not only do i feel a bit better knowing that ( and i will admit for second there I may have momentarily felt out on a limb sinking with no hope), but this concept of living to fight and fighting to live, the gentleman from Chase concluded Friday’s call with saying he was quite impressed at how strategically & well calculated what i walked their teams through apparently was but then he validated for me, it was not something new to him rather quite familiar in many ways and that I wasn’t being delusional and crazy (although since many times they couldn’t respond to me for whatever legal reasons when I spoke of certain things) he ended the call with saying to me “Mr. Denker, we will take care of this, Chase will fix this, enjoy the weekend, do you do not have anything to worry about any more.”
Now if I wasn’t such a pessimist I would be celebrating but as most no I am pessimistic in general or don’t necessarily believe things until I see them for my own eyes. And so I will certainly be grateful for whatever distance or the same is done by these collective executives that a come together for no special reason but one of my infamous letters and asking which I don’t do well and that is asking for help.
And so I still live every day having regrets. Wishing my reality was not and I go to bed at night praying and also wishing that of the pain and sadness and brokenness for what I am left to feel and carry with me is known or acknowledged with some remorse , For damage that has been done, pains that have been inflicted and doors which have been closed that cant be reopened.
So I look to tomorrow and time; time for me to be bored and put to use to making my reality a new hobby….
And something I came across in my my new hobby is that I guess I like to sleepwalk under surgical anesthesia and i crave Burger King and Buy myself flowers.