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So the past several days i’ve had a lot of people ask me how I’m functioning and truth is, that I barely am. And while that’s a bit of an understatement it’s a complete 180 from the person I am and that people know me to be.
Earlier today I spent time with a journalist talking about the
potential of the projects thanks for the suggestion of my niece Brandi. Which I’m contemplating as it could serve to be a good mechanism to heal and I guess part of what my discussion with this journal sealed it was I have a very mixed internal conflict between my heart, my mind, & my soul. All of this stemming from the individual I am, The adult I’ve become, the morals and values I embrace couples with my life experiences.
When I reflect upon the world that still exists around us today and this experience I call my reality,
my fight to live and live to fight
I think this journalist hit it nail on the head. I have spent so many waking hours trying to decipher and find understanding and peace at the same time trying to be in crisis mode and manage the unmanageable, that I continually still am at odds with trying to find understandings that we still exist in a world that is not safe, that still bares a real existence of danger, of hate and disdain for others based upon some really delusional and warped systems of belief.
When we look at the course of human history and mass genocide, when we look at our own societies we are many innocent stilts struggle, where children fear for being able to be who they are, we as a society fail every single day because we still allow and some partake and support (does not matter how little or what part) institutions that personify any message of disdain and hate for others.
When I look at how closely and adjacent to systems of belief that I would never support I am lost in this internal struggle of conflict between my heart, my mind and my soul and how I could so much exist and not even see it for myself then and there.
As a person of Jewish faith and as an openly gay male I’m ashamed that I could not have seen what was so obvious in front of me but just disguised.