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There’s some days that life just feels like it’s at a standstill. There are days that just emotionally still are very crippling where I reflect back and I can’t help but think how ironic things are.
Not only did I feel like I’m trapped in a bad movie, Where I’m outside my body and looking in on my life and I feel like the most left the earth as it forgotten about soul. It is that I just go back-and-forth so many questions and no one to give me answers and that’s probably the most painful. And left with so many unresolved feelings or understandings and that’s probably the most crippling.
I’m reminded that I’m at a six-month mark and I’m supposed to return to undergo a procedure called an angiogram to gauge the size and growth of the cerebral aneurysm determining whether or not I’ve got to point of it being operatable. The irony is that I can’t have this done because this is one of the doctors in the group that suing me for not getting paid monies that apparent insurance has issued. I can’t even call their office since they are represented by an attorney to even get my medical records. The ironies of life. I think ironies bring regret because my last visit to his office he wanted to schedule surgery because of a secondary issue of a vessel leaking and I opted not to out of fear and prioritizing other things that i was hoping would resolve first in a different way so I wanted to wait so now ,I guess the lesson here is that irony yields regret. A regret that for me could become at some point detremental.
Months ago I asked one question and for an explanation for what has now become and unrraveled mess filled with my regrets of “I should’ve paid more attention” I didn’t out of trust and irony here is I’m the evil villain or so thats what it feels like.
I’m now in Chapter 11 bankruptcy which also yields an irony as well As that implies that financially I’ve been over extended beyond repair without intervention at the same time being in Chapter 11, I’ve cemented and secured guranteed protection by the Constitution for something they call ‘a fresh start’ which immediately guaranteed me and froze a future of entitlements upward in the 6-figure range and puts a grinding halt on everything else. No if that’s not irony, what is?
probably the greatest irony is as much as I should feel anger i dont amiss the hurt and pain I feel is so great but the absence of what I cherished, of what I thought was in a friendship or foundation only carries a great sense of loss and grief and that in itself is ironic.
And the mere fact that what has has the result of things i had not done but only discovered, I’m the one who’s negatively impacted thus far and carries the heavy heart.
The fact that we raised from early childhood to leave in the fact that one is never to tell a lie and yet you’re also race to fear consequences of telling a lie and of even date i’ve learned it by watching others who lie and have no consequences, yet. And so thats irony.
And probably even more ironic is that consequences is not for me what I sit and hope for but rather only for lies to just magical undo themselves into the truth or at least to wake up one morning and l look back that this and it just be a nightmare and not my reality.