Reflections… With Everything I am

121It’s in the silences, the words you never say
I see it in your eyes, it always starts the same way
It seems like everyone we know, is breaking up
Does anybody ever stay in love, anymore?

I promise you, from the bottom of my heart
I will love you till death do us part
I promise you as a lover and a friend
I will love you like I never love again
With everything I am

ooh I see you look at me, when you think I’m not aware
You’re searching for clues, of just how deep my feelings are.
How do you prove the sky is blue, the oceans wide?

All I know is how I feel, when I look into your eyes
I promise you, from the bottom of my heart
I will love you till death do us part
I promise you as a lover and a friend
I will love you like I never love again
With everything that I am

ooh yeah Oh there are no guarantees
That’s what you always say to me
But late at night I feel the tremble in your touch
Oh what I’m trying to say to you, I never said to anyone

I Promise I promise you, from the bottom of my heart
I will love you till death do us part
I promise you as a lover and a friend
I will love you like I never love again

To know me, is to know that no matter what I put my mind to, or I focus on, or that I engage,  it always gets done with 150%; it is done with everything that I am.  so probably by no surprise or accident, that four years ago in writing my words of commitment, my wedding vows, hence included within were the words “with everything i am” 

Four years ago, I woke up after only a couple hours sleep reminiscing the night away with my aunt, The one person in my entire life that has not only been my aunt, but my best friend, my sister, my confidant, my mother all rolled into one. 

But this particular morningcall happened to be a special one for me not because four days earlier my oncologist gave me a new lease on life, confirming that I could plus the remaining chemotherapy drugs I had been taking, not because I had very dear friends,  colleagues and family from as far as London all in town for which I was to see later on that day, what made it that much more special was that morning I woke having a dream for the future that was all a part of hope, desires, and excitement that the person I thought was my best friend, my forever, the person i thought personified innocence to the point of being my Peter Pan, I was going to marry  promising and committing my life to his loving hin  like I would never love again with everything I am.

 four years later,  I barely remember what those dreams were. This Morning I woke dreamless barely  able to remember what it was that I had hoped and wished for 4yrs ago. I woke as I do each day now with a void and emptiness greatly missing the person my imagination convinced myself that I was marrying.

However reflections of the recent & not so distant past, narates  a very different picture. one which I know there is a ring leader of the pack who is even more to blame than the person I loved and thought Loved me. The person who i thought that I could trust implicitly and is the moment where it matters most was the person that I reached to hold me and to be within their warm embrace in the times of medicial uncertainities . 

And while I do believe that to be true, that indeed a mastermind my love was not, where they did fall short is that, One who would really have loved me would not have even entertained an ounce  of what has transpired and acts committed not even for one second.
I have always lived life such that I believe you never go to sleep angry, you never forget to tell the person you love that you love them and you never say or do anything that you cannot undo or take back.

Sadly not everybody learned to  live by that same belief.

 many who know me know that I feel strongly and passionate about many a things. For Sin, I am passionate about never making money, wealth or riches The object of an argument or dispute  and so in there  lays  my reality goes against everything I believe in but the deepest of which regardless what I win or lose I lose that special friend or at least the vision of one painted by my imagination that for the first time in years since finishing chemo, I had actually begun to see beyond tomorrow through hopes and dreams I had for a life and future ahead of us that one morning for years ago.

There are days that I feel like I just need to be looked straight in the eye and honestly I want to be told how mistakenly wrong I am for the first time in my life I want to be wrong; i’ve wantes to be wrong every single day since this nightmare has started; being carried out sept 26 after having suffered a stroke caused largely by  the stress of what has been done, as much as I should be bitter about that, I still want to be wrong.

Peace, I had begun to find from within knowing this has nothing to do with me, this is a story book that has been told befor, in a similar fashion for the same exact reason and for the same exact deranged, sick woman / bible thumper. The sad part there is only not be around forever and even with being around the same homosexual ask that she try roll or boy will take place behind her back even when she senses and realize it even present’ Day; so where one may feel accomplished the sad reality is as much as one might think they can pray away a homosexual, homosexual acts are still being done in front of you and behind your back so the only result of such schemes is hurting innocent people and showing what a disgusting human being and a hatemonger really looks like. L that is not the “Lord’s way” but  perhaps  we should pray thee a life of Peter so thou shall know from a life of denial and betryal as is told of that Peter did to Jesus….

In the end my dreams my hopes are all but a question unanswered to me if those were even real possibilities for figments of my imagination because flipping means today 5 operations later and a stroke, not a dime of equity left in a home, thanks to me putting away into 401(k) and an early withdrawl with tax penalities, The home that technically I’m not allowed to go back obtained thru lies and political friendly ties, and I sit in a wait the creative response to federal subpoenas issued this week including a demand to appear in a federal judges chamber noless.  I know months of nothing is foun I know months of napkin scratch accounting reveals a starting amount close to $215,416 not counting other areas having been wrongfully withheld siphoned taken and certainly with premeditation, used in a manner by which to hold me captive a prisoner independent.

But I do you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that even in Chapter 11 by doing so at the time $150,000 of equity from my home has automatically been removed and promised to me by the United States federal government in what they call a fresh start. And this actually in fact is the first payout one typically sees before anyone else gets paid including ones bank typically. And thereafter any and all of my debts paid before counting on equitable distribution’s which then after comes out of what remains

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