Tough days

I don’t know, can’t pin point or find an exact reason why today seems like one of those excessively tough days to get through;  could it be that I’m getting anxious and nervous for this next medical hurdle? 

Is it that I’m coming to grips with my mom’s mortality? Or am I first grieving for the loss of a friend/partner/spouse/marriage instead of fighting? 

Inside I keep thinking that if only I had some explanation or something that this wouldn’t feel so cripppling and empty, but then again there’s irony in knowing that the person I loved wasn’t acting alone and for those others I feel ambivalence.  I don’t hurt, I don’t mourn, I feel sorry for such misguideness in this world.  

I’m still trying to figure out then why I grieve so much for that one and only?

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